Stix 'n' Stones

When I was a little girl, the old saying 'sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me' was always in the back of my mind. And it is something that I continue to instil in my boys. But really, come on, personally I think words can be so much more damaging. Lets face it, a broken arm, leg, nose, or wrist, these can be fixed, but the damage that can be done emotionally with words can be FAR worse.

As mentioned in my previous post, I have been, shall we say, 'keeping an eye' on the daily activities posted on both of my sons facebook pages. And to be honest...I am positively GOBSMACKED at the language and insults thrown around at such a young age. Words like (and excuse me here) fuck, slut, arsehole, faggot and the dreaded 'C' word are just a few of the words spat out and typed as fluently, and easily as saying 'good morning Mum'. Sadly, this vocabulary has become what a great deal of youths would describe as 'part of their daily language'. And I say 'great deal' as I am certainly not making any claims that all children/teenagers use this type of language.

Why.? Why do children at such a young age, at any age feel the need to express themselves in such a volga way? Have we failed as parents, individually? or is peer group pressure just WELL out of control. Is it COOL to call another child a faggot.? and while we touch on that horrible word, I am curious to know, do these children actually 'KNOW' the meaning of the term faggot is? Well I asked my two eldest boys.

Apparently, todays definition of 'faggot' means looser. 'Gay' means the same thing, they fit into the same basket of obscenities. Basically you're stupid, an idiot, a waste of space.

Lately so many times I have read on facebook comments such as "shut the 'F' up, everyone hates you so just 'F' off you little faggot"

It hurts ME as a parent to read this, so I can't imagine how the child feels to be on the receiving end of such abuse. Out of all the foul insults and disgusting language around, it is my personal opinion that 'every hates you' is possibly the most damaging. Said often enough, it creates self doubt. The child really starts to question 'why' does everyone hate me? And yet, it can be just one, or two individuals that can be writing it. How do you explain to your child that one persons opinion doesn't count? because deep down, it does.

I spoke at length with my two boys about facebook the other day. One of the things I said was this -

"think of facebook as your house. Look at your list of friends. Would you invite all of them into your home? if the answer is NO then why have them on your facebook? why leave yourself open to insults from people that you have no 'real' connection or common interests with? You don't play with them, you don't socialise with 'their' group of friends, so why allow them the privilege of having access to your life?"

I'm not sure if they have actually gone ahead and deleted those they wouldn't invite into their home, but I think they took heed of what I said. I think it made them realise that 'the insulters' do not deserve any sort of insight into their lives.

I am perfectly aware that verbal bullying isn't just happening on social networking sites, it's everywhere, the playground, the skatepark, the local hangout on a Friday after school...it is absolutely EVERYWHERE. And bullying today, well its no different in 'content' as it was when i was growing up (although I do believe the language is 'some what' worse), however in todays generation it is so much easier for them to do it, and get away with it! What they don't have the courage to say to someones face, they will simply write it on facebook, or any other form of 'social networking' now available.

So how do we as parents control it? I have taken the approach of being actively involved in what is actually going on out there in our children's big wide cyber world. Why? because I know my children have not only been bullied themselves, but THEY TOO on occasion have been verbally bullying other children. How do I know? Good old facebook. I cannot control what goes on in the playground, or the skatepark, or anywhere else for that matter. But I can try to control the blatant disrespect and cowardly acts of bullying cast on children via the internet.

Being that I am personally SO anti-bullying, I was disappointed beyond words to read, and hear, that bullying had taken place from one of my own. It wasn't as 'major' as some of the bullying I have seen, but never the less, it was bullying. I know his reasoning behind it, but i'm not about to stream the nitty gritty details of his personal life. It is not my place. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I am now aware, and as a result of finding out I have been able to have 'many a talk' with my son, and get to his inner most feelings and details about why he felt the need to do it. And teach him how better to deal with situations as they rise again like this his future.

I know I can't expect him to just shut his mouth and not defend himself. But I do hope that he understands the ramifications, and the hurt that people feel when they have been bullied. He of all people should know, he's copt a fair share of it himself.

There is no doubt in my mind, children need to express. And they need too. But it is 'how' they choose to express that can be either uplifting, or down right dark and dirty.

The golden rule I believe is 'communication'. Keep the lines open. Listen, teach, advise, but still let them be kids. Let them defend themselves, but teach them how to do it with respect and dignity. Let them make mistakes, but help them to understand how better deal with it next time.  And teach them to love, and understand that not everyone is like them. We are all the same, but we're different.

At the end of the day, what they learn as children from not only their parents and peers, but from their 'friends' and general community is what will mould their heart, souls, personalities and minds and give them the strength and structure they will need to be the adult they will soon become.  

Pick 'n' Peck

This, being my first blog, i should firstly touch on a little about me, and a little about 'why' i've decided to start a blog.

I am a 40 year old mother of 3 boys, aged 13, 11 and 7. I've always wanted to write about something, but haven't come across anything particularly of interest to firstly write about, and secondly, something that others may find of interest.

Until today. Recently I have felt very much thrown into the 'new age era' with my sons so quickly entering their teenage years. I am, on a daily basis reminded of the trials and tribulations that come with such an age. However I don't want to use the word 'recently' 'loosely' as i guess the trials and tribulations have always been there from day one with my sons, but i find their current testosterone fuelled personalities and bodies, that i now face, are somewhat more complicated than the innocent, unknowing personalities of those they harboured as toddlers.

I've decided to title this blog 'pick n peck'. As most of the topics I think I will find myself discussing is the constant 'picking and pecking' that children of such an age are faced with. Really it is no different to the 'world that was' when I was a child embracing my teenager years. The bullying, the pecking order at school, the wanting to 'fit in' with all the cool clothes, cool kids and cool toys, and always wanting to keep on top of the newest 'gadgets' that were available 'back in my day'.

But it's different. Todays 'new' generation are living in a completely different world. With electronics, flashy toys, more 'play stations' in general that i can possibly afford to keep up with, and then theres 'social networking'. And this, in a nutshell, was pretty much what prompted me to start my blog.

My two eldest sons are both on facebook. A decision I didn't make easily. My logic was, if 'I' didn't give them my permission (on the condition i GET their passwords AND I am permitted to keep up with their daily activities on this site), then they would DO IT anyway! Be it at school, at their friends house, on their phones, their ipods, their lap tops, the list is on going. And if this was to be the case, then by doing it behind my back, I would have no access, or knowledge of what was going on. I was better off to 'go with the flow and times'.

I have witnessed several times with my friends, and their children. The parent says NO to any form of social networking, and their child just went ahead and did it anyway. Besides, how was Mum and Dad going to find out.? its easy, isn't it.? you just set up a hotmail (or similar) account and WHAM.....no notifications to your families 'home email' at all..they do it, and they do it so easily, and the parent has NO CLUE as to what is going on.!

I wasn't going to choose this path with my boys. I wanted to know, what was being said, when and if there was bullying problems. I gave them my word i would not read their private messages, and i have stuck to that. To me, it is no different to 'snail mail'. It comes wrapped, and its private. But when it comes to their 'wall' or feeds, that all their friends can see....i want access to read that too.

I could have easily had access simply by 'friend requesting' my children. But to that i decided NO. I do not want my children having access to my 'adult feeds'. Double Standards? perhaps. I get to see their 'cyber world' but mine is closed to them. However mine is closed to them for a reason. I have the age and knowledge to defend myself, and there certainly isn't any bullying of sorts within my age group of friends, certainly nothing I can't deal with on my own....but in my children's world, it's a completely different story.

I'm going to close this blog for today. There really isn't much there to read, but there is certainly a lot in my head that I wish to 'pen'.

I think, by the way I am feeling, I am about to open a can of worms on 'children of today'. Not necessarily all children, just mine, and the ones they are associated with (with no names mentioned of course). I find the 'children of our world today' fascinating. The way they live, think, work, feel, care and love. I believe on the exterior, they are very different to my era. But on the inside, they are not... at the end of the day they are human. They have hearts, they hurt, they cry, they feel and they love, and they have the same emotions that all of us had at the same age....the only difference, they have an overwhelming number of tools to either love or destroy those around them.......until next time....live...love....and care..xo

My first day....a Virgin blogger....:-)

I'm not really sure just 'why' I have started a blog, only that the concept intrigues me. 

My friends who already 'blog' tell me it is a wonderful creative outlet.....so, I guess I will soon find out if this is infact the case. 

Posting 'my life' in fine detail to friends and strangers does seem a little strange to me, however I guess having the opportunity to release all those 'crazy' little thoughts out of my head and onto a white screen seems somewhat appealing....better they be on a computer screen rather that cluttering up my head every day..I don't have the head space any more :-)

We'll see how we go..

til next time

Tiff